Silicon Glen >
Jokes
|
As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year
upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded
self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from
the human gene pool.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed when he attached a
JATO (Jet Assisted Take Off) unit to his Chevy Impala and promptly
shot himself at 300 mph into the side of a desert cliff. And now, for
this year's illustrious winner(s): . . .
John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of
Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the
Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers
among them) they sat in the parking lot and, after finishing the beer,
decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high
fence and sneak into the show.
The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then
assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a
30-foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself
over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly
halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group
of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John
removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free
himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into
Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and, now
being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly
branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his
pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into
his left thigh.
Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw
him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds
less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to
the pickup truck.
This is when things went from bad to worse.
In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed
on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his
friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal
injuries and also died at the scene.
Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet
from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with
numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh,
and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the
air.
LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to
remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a
pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the
explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the
fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window
some 10 feet away from the hive/shed.
The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards,
seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the
brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards
their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees.
Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died
of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and
put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver)
to Ken's head and fired.
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to
death on a sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer
at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it,"
the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really
drunk."
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the Darwin Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he
decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied
a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large
rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to
shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The
bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free
of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking
extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged
out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where
he died of hypothermia.
RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to
commit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested
by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by
his terminally stupid choices as listed below:
1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns
in public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol
car parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the
would-be robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The
officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene
pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No
one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.