Silicon Glen > Jokes

Some Colemanballs I got in the mail

'This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother. (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"Moses Kiptanui - the 19 year old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago" (David Coleman)

"We now have exactly the same situation as we had at the start of the race, only exactly the opposite" (Murray Walker)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (RTE's George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville,1992)

"The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense."
(Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991).

On the difficulties of adjusting to playing football and living in Italy:
"It was like being in a foreign country"
(Ian Rush)

"Bill Frindal has done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator" (John Arlott)

"Hodge scored for Forest after 22 seconds - totally against the run of play" (Peter Lorenzo)

"We actually got the winner three minutes from the end but then they equalized" (Ian McNail)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball"
(John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

We'll still be happy if we lose. It's on at the same time as the Beer Festival'
(Noel O' Mahony, Cork City boss before the game in Munich)

'I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better'. (Ron Atkinson).

He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces.'
(Ron Atkinson)

'I never comment on referees and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat' (Ron Atkinson)

'It took a lot of bottle for Tony (Adams) to own up.'
(Ian Wright - commenting on his teammate's alcoholism)

'Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew.'
(Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

'Here we are in the Holy Land of Israel - a Mecca for tourists.' (David Vine)

'Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres.'
(David Coleman)

'Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field.'
(Metro Radio)

' ....and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs ....' (Sue Barker).

'Her time is about 4.33, which she's capable of.'
(David Coleman)

Dennis Pennis: 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' Chris Eubank: 'On what ?'

'Sex is an anti-climax after that !' Grand National-winning jockey Mark Fitzgerald.

'Well, you gave the horse a wonderful ride, everybody saw that' (Desmond Lynam)

'To play Holland, you have to play the Dutch.'
(Ruud Gullit)

'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.'
(Ron Atkinson)

'For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip'
(John Motson)

'Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.'
(David Acfield)

'What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?'
(Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona'
(Mark Draper - Aston Villa)

'There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class'
(David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

'And for those of you who watched the last programme (Fanny and Johnny Craddock), I hope all your doughnuts turn out like Fanny's' (David Coleman at the start of Match of The Day)

...and Ray Illingworth is relieving himself in front of the pavilion' (John Arlott)

'These greens are so fast they must bikini wax them'
(Gary McCord on the greens at Augusta)

'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them - Oh my God, what have I just said?'
(USTV commentator)

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