Congratulations ! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you will undoubtedly destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer manoeuvre. Which is why we ask you to :

PLEASE, FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNERS MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU ? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD (THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEO CASSETTE RECORDER AND THEN SET IT ON 'FAST FORWARD') IS ALSO FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT ? WE MIGHT AS WELL BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT !

We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back 'defective' merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. O.K. ? Now let's talk about : OPERATION OF THE DEVICE.

WARNING: We manufacture only the attractive designer case. The actual working parts are manufactured by a separate company in Japan. The instructions were translated by Mrs Shirley Peltwater, who works in Accounts Receivable. Mrs Peltwater has never actually been to Japan but does have most of 'Shogun' on tape.

INSTRUCTIONS : For results that can be finest, we advise that NEVER to hold these buttons two times ! Except battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence ! However, if this is not a trouble, such rotation is very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) virepoint as drawing B.

WARRANTY : Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2 o'clock, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. Please note that this warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.