"The doctor gave me good news," said the man. "Yes, he said that I was in great health for a man twice my age."

"I swear... half of the people in this world don't have the sense that God gave a rock... The other half do!"

"I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!"

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that stuff.

THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE IS THAT WHICH MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE TRUTH

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...

Two rules for life:
1: Don't tell people everything you know
2:

"If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"