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True stories

Here are some allegedly true stories

Hackers, managed to break into the telephone system of Weight Watchers in Glasgow, and changed the outgoing message to Hello, you fat bastard

From The Guardian concerning a sign seen in a Police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: +Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commissioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.+

From The Derby Abbey Community news: -We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that +Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force+. This was a typographical error. We meant of Course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce.-

From the Churchdown Parish Magazine: -Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the Church, labelled -For The Sick-, is for monetary donations only.


DHSS Quotes. The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security). Although rather crude they are written in good faith by the senders.

Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt my knob off.

The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is cleared.

The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which is unsightly and dangerous.

Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something about it.

Would you please repair our toilet. My son pulled the chain and the box fell on his head.

Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The clergy have been visiting her.............

I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is unable to masturbate his food.

In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer with no results so far.

I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing, is dead.

Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to hospital to have her overtures out.

Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children one of which is a mistake as you will see.

My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he finds he is lethargic to it.

Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged to live an immortal life.

The children have been off school because there is a lot of measles about and I had them humanised.

Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with my landlord and milkman.

You have changed my little boy into a little girl. Will this matter?

Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a hypodermic.

In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

I want my sick pay quick. I have been in bed under the doctor for a week and he is doing me no good. If things don't improve I shall get another doctor.

I do not get any money from my son. He is in the army and his regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

Re your dental enquiry. The teeth on top are alright but those on my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names.This was due to contraceptional circumstances.

I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door throwing balls on the roof.

This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next door.

The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

Q-HTML V3.1 by Craig Cockburn created this page on 03-Nov-2004 at 23:35:15:37