Silicon Glen > Jokes
Various jokes #1

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defence:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.
With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother with three daughters asked each one of them to write home and tell her about their married life on/after their wedding. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message, "Maxwell Coffeehouse". The Mother is confused but finally
noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said; satisfaction to the last drop..."
So, Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read; "Rothmans". So the Mother looks for the Rothmans ad, and it says; "LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE". And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. It took 4 weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply "BRITISH
AIRWAYS". Mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. She found one and fainted. The ad
read:"TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Please read in an Irish accent.

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window.
"B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is".
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Dis is gonna be one a' de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.
"You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus.
"Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy
"Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus.
"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy
"I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.
Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus
"Dat has gotta be de shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life".
Shamus looked out the side window and replied
"Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.

After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testin, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained.

"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."

So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room.

All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."

"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test.

Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA heard the gun start firing.One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room.They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"

*******

Contrary to popular belief, God created woman first.
After a few days, he went to check on her. She told him that everything was beautiful there, but she didn't really need three breasts. "No Problem" He said, and removed the middle breast and threw it in the bushes.

He told her he would check on her in a few days. When he returned, Eve told Him that she was much better with two breasts, but she was lonely and could he make her a friend or partner. "No Problem" He said, and went into the bushes, got the useless tit and made it into a Man.

******

Three couples are interested in joining a church.

There is a newlywed couple, a middle-age couple and an older couple.

The pastor tells them that their character must be tested before they will be welcome in the church, and so they must abstain from sex for two weeks.

Two weeks later the couples return and the pastor asks them if they abstained.

The older couple says "No problem" and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

The middle age man says "It was rough, I had to sleep on the couch the second week, but we made it" and the pastor welcomes them into the church.

Then the younger man says "I'm sorry. We really tried, but then one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and she dropped it, and when she bent over to pick it up I was overcome with desire and I took her right there on the spot."

The pastor says "You understand you won't be welcome in our church" and the man says "Yeah, we understand. We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate, how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" Paddy says "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the house.. "Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear" "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy. Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again stormed into the house..

"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?" "Ah tis is serious, Paddy" said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin ears and only one fookin tail." "Ah tat'd be grand" says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.. "PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO FOOKIN TAILS !!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM APART !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Ah fook it" says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from Alzheimer's. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home. At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair. About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said, "but they won't let me fart."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound ,he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.

"Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

"Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?" "You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat that as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full.

"It's fantastic out here in the world!" he told them.

"So, are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A LOVE STORY
A young man was dating three girls and was finally faced with the dilemma of hich one to marry. As a test he gave each of them one thousand pounds..

The first girl went for a complete hair and face makeover, new clothes, and new shoes. She returned to show off her new look saying, "I want to be at my most beautiful for you. Because I love you, dear." The second girl returned with new golf equipment, a new stereo, video and a month's supply of beer saying, "I bought all these things for you. They're my gifts to you, because I love you so."
The third girl invested the 1,000 wisely and very quickly doubled her original amount. She reinvested the profits which continued to multiply and returned the first thousand to the young man saying, "I have taken your money and made it grow as an investment in our future together.

That's how much I love you, my dear."

The young man was very impressed by all their responses. He then gave long and careful consideration and finally married the one with the biggest tits

---------------------------------------------------------------------

An old farmer lived alone in the countryside with his pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died and the farmer went to the parish priest:

"Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

The farmer said, "I'll go right now. Do you think 500 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick: "Why didn't you tell me the dog was a Catholic?!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rev. Ian Paisley was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight to Ireland. Once the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whisky & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The Rev. Paisley replied in disgust,"Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips."

The President handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice....."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day - when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter." said the man, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! Were not through yet!!

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned,clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop,

WAIT FOR IT...

"But he's a dead ringer for his brother."


Q-HTML V3.1 by Craig Cockburn created this page on 03-Nov-2004 at 23:35:15:37